Online Dating

The cyber meat market is completely mainstream. But, while all the world has been busy posting for booty, you’ve resisted. Perhaps you were safely ensconced in mind-numbing domestic bliss. Or, perhaps you’re just a savvy single whose view of the postmodern world is more…lets say, existential and you’ve opted to stay home, read Proust and pet the cat. Either way, before you take the plunge into shopping online for love, here’s what you should know.

Thing No. 1

Online dating sites come in many different flavors

The Browsers: These are the biggies - the ones that are a pure numbers game; yahoopersonals.com, match.com. You can cruise and be cruised by the 20 million or so other browsers for free and when you sign up for a monthly fee (between $25-$30 sometimes with a short initial free trial period) you can send and receive messages not to mention "wink" your fool head off at people you have no intention of ever speaking to just because you can.

The Soul Mate Finders: These guys employ "relationship experts" like that creepy old man (clinical psychologist, Dr. Neil Warren) from eHarmony.com and the less creepy Dr. Pepper (sociologist, Dr. Pepper Schwartz) at perfectmatch.com who submit you to a battery of "personality" questions (40-90 minutes of your life) and then "scientifically" match you with your other half. Even Match.com has gotten into this game with chemistry.com because they were sad that that creepy old man was getting that business instead of them. They also have their own creepy old guy by the name of Dr. Phil. You can upgrade your subscription to Match.com with a subscription to MindFindBind, which will fill your noggin with lectures, workshops and exercises from Dr. P to help you put your love-seeking mission into overdrive. Or, at least figure out what the hell is wrong with you.

Social Networks: We're not going to spend time on Social Networks but ignoring the hooking up going on at places like myspace is like forgetting to tell people looking to hook up that bars exist. That said we think you're looking for something a bit more programmatic and reliable than the digital equivalent of shots of tequila and a Bud chaser so we'll stick with sites designed to help you in ways the bars don't.

The Niche Nuts: These will hook you up with men in dorky uniforms trekpassions.com, reverse Calico cat lovers animalattraction.com, people that are turned on by the Pope catholicmatch.com, or chicks who want to cook you a cozy Seder jdate.com, and much, much more. Even literary, intellectual people who are just really into sex have nerve.com. We have no doubt you can easily find a site for guys who are into transgendered guys that dress up as girls who are lipstick lesbians. Or, whatever.

Virtual Dates: There are some new Virtual Dating options at places like true.com where, after doing all that winking and messaging, you can set a time for a virtual date in a chat room or by webcam so that you can postpone the dreaded real life, pheromone-infested coffee date. Plus, they promise to regularly screen their user database for criminals and sex offenders. That means if you either are a sex offender or just want to date one, you're outta' luck on True.

The Up And Comer: OkCupid.com is one of the fastest growing players on the dating site circuit. It's niche is interesting. It was started by a handful of Harvard mathematicians and to find matches, OkCupid members answer questions, most of which are generated and submitted by users. The answers are weighted and analyzed by several sets of algorithms to calculate percentages of compatibility with other users and the members can access a unique area in which detailed graphs and charts walk you through the matching process.

Thing No. 2

Everybody lies.

Economists at the University of Chicago and psychologists at M.I.T. compared the heights and weights of online daters with the same statistics obtained from national census data. They found that the average online height is an inch or so greater for both men and women and that women who date online get thinner and thinner as they get older: five pounds less than average in their 20s, 17 pounds in their 30s and 19 pounds in their 40s. Since searches are database driven, nobody likes to get cut off for a minor deviation from a given category. That's why there are 8 times more women dating online that are 29 than there are in real life. Likewise, it is interesting to note that only one percent of online daters list their appearance as "less than average." Hmmmm...that doesn't really jibe with the crowd we see at the mall but, then again, we like to loiter around the cheap food court so what do we know? Besides, how can only one percent be less than the average? Guess only pretty people look for dates online. Speaking of which, Match.com also offers a free Portrait Toolkit in which that bleached blonde makeup guy from ANTM (that's America's Next Top Model for you PBS-only readers) shows you how to re-touch yourself.

OkCupid has a blog post which walks you through the results of analyzing 7,000 profile pictures. They looked at facial attitude, photo context and skin exposure and use the data to recommend how you might set yours up for success.

Thing No. 3

You have to lie too.

It's rough out there. Keep in mind that men who claim to make over $250,000 per year get hit on online 150% more than those who list their income in the under $50,000 category. There are laws about truth in advertising (look how far that gets you) but not so for truth in dating. And, advertising is exactly what you're doing. Even if you cannot tell a lie (and we certainly don't like to encourage the pesky little webs of deceit) you at least need a compelling brand strategy. Now that love has an algorithmic supply-chain distribution system, you had better figure out a way to break through the clutter. At the very least, some sparkling copywriting skills help. The online seeker of romance can't be bothered with "social drinker who enjoys the beach," they want Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Plus, you have to be specific to be interesting. David Sedaris is much better than "funny books" and making a divine duck and white bean cassoulet beats the hell out of "love to cook." Kick it up a notch.

Thing No. 4

The Internet Is transparent.

You may very well bump into someone online that you know. This can become embarrassing when you have a.) Grossly distorted your stats (see Thing No. 4.) b.) Written "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was a Freak Like Me?" as your headline c.) Misspelled "intellectual." Keep this in mind.

Thing No. 5

You give and you give and you give and you give.

These sites automatically renew your monthly subscription. They don’t ask and they don’t tell, they just take. And, some of them are notorious for continuing to charge your card after you have officially cancelled. We’ve even heard stories of people who paid Match.com by check and when they stopped sending a check, their accounts were somehow debited anyway – without any approval! Once you’ve found your dream date, remember to unlock the lip lock long enough to check your bank statement.

Happy Hunting.