The cyber meat market is completely mainstream. It seems as though
everybody’s doing it without a modicum of shame and every web
company in the business has gotten in the game including friggin google. But, while
all the world has been busy posting for booty, you’ve resisted.
Perhaps you were safely ensconced in mind-numbing domestic bliss. Or, perhaps you’re just a savvy single
whose view of the postmodern world is more…lets say, existential and
you’ve opted to stay home, read Proust and pet the cat. Either
way, before you take the plunge into shopping online for love, here’s
what you should know.
Thing No. 1 Online dating sites come in many different flavors.
• The Browsers: These are the biggies – the ones that
are a pure numbers game; yahoopersonals.com, match.com. You can cruise and be cruised by the 20 million or so other
browsers for free and when you sign up for a monthly fee (between
$25-$30 sometimes with a short initial free trial period) you can send
and receive messages not to mention “wink” your fool head off at people
you have no intention of ever speaking to just because you can.
• The Soul Mate Finders: These guys employ
“relationship experts” like that creepy old man (clinical psychologist,
Dr. Neil Warren) from eHarmony.com and the less creepy Dr. Pepper
(sociologist, Dr. Pepper Schwartz) at perfectmatch.com who submit
you to a battery of “personality” questions (40-90 minutes of your life) and then
“scientifically” match you with your other half. Even Match.com
has gotten into this game with chemistry.com because they were sad
that that creepy old man was getting that business instead of
them. They also have their own creepy old guy by the name of Dr.
Phil. You can upgrade your subscription to Match.com with a
subscription to MindFindBind, which will fill your noggin with
lectures, workshops and exercises from Dr. P to help you put your
love-seeking mission into overdrive. Or, at least figure out what
the hell is wrong with you.
• Social Networks: The most infamous of which is myspace.com. While not technically a dating site but allegedly a way
to stay in touch with friends and meet new ones, hooking up is
certainly a favorite pastime of many, many of the gazillions of
users. The last time we checked, about 75% of them were teens and
young adults. The media would suggest that the other 25% are
pedophiles but we can’t attest to that. If you’re one of the
three people that don’t know this already, the thing about MySpace is
that you can search on any of your own very specific “likes” like say,
Stanley Kubrick films or Barry Manilow and find others who share your
passion. You can post and view videos and blogs and get a text
message on your mobile when someone sends you a message or a Friend
Request. Speaking of Friend Requests, you will get many of them
from bands and films and God knows what. Barak Obama has a
profile as does Paris Hilton as does everybody and everything (except
you apparently.) Not to mention the strange but ubiquitous
“collectors” which are people who just like to collect other people
like stamps because…well, because they’re weird. Okay,
that’s enough about MySpace – pick up a newspaper for Chrissakes!
The much less popular pre-cursor to MySpace is
www.freindster.com. Another alternative is www.orkut.com (we have
no idea what an orkut is – some Old, Turkish, holy thing or other
so…there you go.)
• The Niche Nuts: These will hook you up with men in
dorky uniforms, trekpassions.com , reverse Calico cat lovers animalattraction.com people that are turned on by the Pope catholicmatch.com or chicks who want to cook you a cozy, Seder jdate.com and much, much more. Even literary, intellectual people
who are just really into sex have www.nerve.com We have no doubt you
can easily find a site for guys who are into transgendered guys that
dress up as girls who are lipstick lesbians. Or, whatever.
Thing No. 2 There are new grazing pastures on the horizon.
Like the up and coming Virtual Dating at places like true.com
where, after doing all that winking and messaging, you can set a time
for a virtual date in a chat room or by webcam so that you can postpone
the dreaded real life, pheromone-infested coffee date. Plus, they
promise to regularly screen their user database for criminals and sex
offenders. That means if you either are a sex offender or just
want to date one, you’re outta’ luck on True. Personally, we’re
not sure the True guys have thought this through -- maybe if sex
offenders could get a real date…? But, we digress.
Thing No. 3 Everybody lies.
Economists at the University of
Chicago and psychologists at M.I.T. compared the heights and weights of
online daters with the same statistics obtained from national census
data. They found that the average online height is an inch or so
greater for both men and women and that women who date online get
thinner and thinner as they get older: five pounds less than average in
their 20s, 17 pounds in their 30s and 19 pounds in their 40s.
Since searches are database driven, nobody likes to get cut off for a
minor deviation from a given category. That’s why there are 8
times more women dating online that are 29 than there are in real
life. Likewise, it is interesting to note that only one percent
of online daters list their appearance as “less than average.”
Hmmmm…that doesn’t really jibe with the crowd we see at the mall but,
then again, we like to loiter around the cheap food court so what do we
know? Besides, how can only one percent be less than the
average? Guess only pretty people look for dates online.
Speaking of which, Match.com also offers a free Portrait Toolkit in
which that bleached blonde makeup guy from ANTM (that’s America’s Next
Top Model for you PBS-only readers) shows you how to re-touch yourself.
Thing No. 4 You have to lie too.
It’s rough out there.
Keep in mind that men who claim to make over $250,000 per year get hit
on online 150% more than those who list their income in the under
$50,000 category. There are laws about truth in advertising (look
how far that gets you) but not so for truth in dating. And, advertising
is exactly what you’re doing. Even if you cannot tell a lie (and
we certainly don’t like to encourage the pesky little webs of deceit)
you at least need a compelling brand strategy. Now that love has
an algorithmic supply-chain distribution system, you had better figure
out a way to break through the clutter. At the very least, some
sparkling copywriting skills help. The online seeker of romance
can’t be bothered with “social drinker who enjoys the beach,” they want
Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Plus, you have to be
specific to be interesting. David Sedaris is much better than
“funny books” and making a divine duck and white bean cassoulet beats
the hell out of “love to cook.” Kick it up a notch.
Thing No. 5 The Internet Is transparent.
You may very
well bump into someone online that you know. This can become
embarrassing when you have a.) Grossly distorted your stats (see Thing
No. 4.) b.) Written “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was a Freak
Like Me?” as your headline c.) Misspelled “intellectual.” Keep
this in mind.
Thing No. 6 You give and you give and you give.
These
sites automatically renew your monthly subscription. They don’t
ask and they don’t tell, they just take. And, some of them are
notorious for continuing to charge your card after you have officially
cancelled. We’ve even heard stories of people who paid Match.com
by check and when they stopped sending a check, their accounts were
somehow debited anyway – without any approval! Once you’ve found
your dream date, remember to unlock the lip lock long enough to check
your bank statement.
Happy Hunting.